Without You
by fall into your sunlight
Summary: "I can live without you but without you I'll be miserable at best" - Mayday Parade. WARNING: slash & character death.


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Title: Without You by Courtney (fall into your sunlight)

Summary: "I can live without you but without you I'll be miserable at best" - Mayday Parade.

A/N: so I took a quick break from 'The Night Is Young' to write this (: I've had this idea for quite some time now and I finally decided to type it. It's very angsty and there is a character death so brace yourself for that. Also: slash, but that's pretty much expected from me now isn't it lol. So um yeah, enjoy?

"There was still a chance James!" Kendall cried emotionally. "You could've gotten better! People beat cancer all the time!"__

'And the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay'

Kendall Knight was the strongest, yet the weakest, member of Big Time Rush. He was strong for the obvious reasons; he was the leader. He called the shots, he kept everyone together, he motivated everyone with his well thought up speeches that just rolled off his tongue with ease. But he was the weakest because it was all an act.

On the outside he was your typical macho hockey player but beneath the exterior there were cracks, resentments, insecurities… Underneath it all he was simply a terrified little boy. That's what set him apart from his friends; they had no problem expressing their emotions whereas he chose to keep them bottled up inside. Logan and Carlos were especially good at it; whenever they had a problem they told anybody with ears. James, on the other hand, was a little like Kendall- he kept his feelings in sometimes but most of the time he talked to someone about what was bothering him.

James…

God, he was the reason Kendall was so damn weak. Because of him, Kendall's wall he worked so hard to keep standing was slowly shattering. It was all James's fault.

Of course James would disagree; it wasn't his fault he had cancer.

When James first told him, Kendall didn't want to believe it. He refused to believe that his boyfriend of almost a year was going to die. Correction: he didn't want to accept it. He didn't want to come accustomed to James being sick almost every morning, having no energy, almost daily trips to the hospital… Kendall couldn't handle any of that. But being the stubborn boy he is acted like usual.

He really should win an Emmy. Kendall had everybody fooled. Everyone thought he was stable enough to accept that his boyfriend had cancer and he was still stable enough to walk around with a brave face for everyone. But James, Logan, and Carlos didn't buy it. They knew that Kendall had been bullshitting them for months. Especially James, who laid awake with his boyfriend night after night, holding him while he cried himself to sleep, then pretended it didn't happen the next morning. Was it frustrating? Yes. But James knew that's just how Kendall was and he learned a long time ago Kendall couldn't and wouldn't be pushed to talk about anything he didn't want to.

So for a year and six months, Kendall and James worked together to hold it all together. The constant trips in and out of the hospital weren't making anything easier but for the most part, it was as if James wasn't even sick. Sure the brunette boy lacked energy, and he fell asleep in the middle of their conversations, and Kendall often woke up in the middle of the night, his dreams being plagued with images of what he thought would be James's death, the two boys held each other through it all. And besides, with each passing month James started to show even the slightest improvement, and that gave Kendall hope.

After all, time healed all wounds right?

. . .

"Morning baby." Kendall kissed James's cheek in greeting and the brunette boy mustered up as much of a smile as he could. And that really wasn't much. "What you want for breakfast?"

"I'm not hungry." James said, sitting down at the table.

Kendall frowned and took a seat next to him. "But you've barely been eating." he said. "You should really have some breakfast."

"Kendall-" James started to sigh but Kendall's puppy dog eyes, the way he stared at him through the fringe of his blonde hair, and the small pout on his lips made James stop. And even though he really didn't want any food in his system, he picked up a piece of bacon and popped it in his mouth. Kendall's pout transformed into a smile and James felt himself smile as well.

But the smile was very short-lived because just as soon as the single piece of bacon dropped into his stomach James's face turned a sickly green color and he lunged towards the trashcan, throwing up whatever the hell was in his empty stomach.

Kendall was behind him almost immediately, rubbing his back. "Maybe we should call the doctor." he murmured.

"Don't." James choked out, pushing his bangs out of his eyes. "I'm fine."

"You're obviously not fine Jamie." Kendall said, easing the boy back over to the kitchen table. Carlos and Logan were already clearing the food away.

"Kendall I'm not going to the doctors." James insisted, rubbing his hands over his faces. "Besides, I already know what he's going to say."

"But maybe he can like up your dosage or something." Kendall offered. "Or give you something to take the nausea away." Kendall paused. "Which is weird, because you never really got sick with chemo."

Logan literally choked on his orange juice when Kendall said that. After Carlos seized smacking between his shoulder blades, the raven haired boy coughed and said, "You haven't told him yet?"

"Logan!" James hissed, his eyes growing wide.

"Told me what?" Kendall asked slowly.

Carlos, Logan, and James all looked at each other, James biting his lip and silently asking what he should do. "Just tell the truth!" Carlos blurted out. "He has a right to know."

"Know what?" Kendall asked. He looked down at James. "What are you keeping from me?"

James took a deep breath. "I'm uh… I've decided to stop taking treatments." he said softly. He didn't raise his head to look at Kendall; he found it nearly impossible right now. But looking down at the table he noticed how his boyfriend's hands were trembling violently.

"You what?" Kendall whispered.

James closed his eyes and swallowed. "At my last doctor's appointment he told me that I wasn't responding to my treatments anymore… so I told him that I didn't want to take them anymore. I'm off of chemo and everything, and he gave me six months before things started getting worse." James opened his eyes and saw that Kendall's trembling hands were now strangely wet. Turning his head up, he saw that Kendall had tears falling down his cheeks. His heart broke. "Kendall-"

But the blonde didn't give James a chance to finish. He simply took off out of the room, running away to the safety of his bedroom. James knew better though. He knew not to let Kendall lock himself up in his room, cry tears he didn't want anyone else to see, and then try and act like everything was peachy when it was really a fucking mess.

So James ran past Kendall and plastered himself across the door, arms spread across the wooden barrier, his body blocking Kendall from hiding his emotions from the world.

"Please, can we talk about this?" James pleaded softly.

"There's nothing to talk about." Kendall muttered, his eyes fixed on the floor.

"That's a damn lie and you know it Kendall." James said sharply. His softened his tone after Kendall flinched at his harsh words. "Just please, talk to me Kenny. Please."

Kendall sniffled and raised a hand to wipe at his eyes. "How could you James?" he asked, his voice cracking with emotion. "How could you just… give up?"

James closed his eyes. "I didn't give up Kendall, I lost." he said softly. "The cancer won."

"I know that Kendall but-"

"There's no buts James, you gave up! And you broke your promise!" he added as a fresh wave of tears rolled down his cheeks.

Now tears were slowly making their way down James's cheeks. "I know I did." he said, his voice breaking with every other word. "And I hate myself for that. But believe me Kendall I didn't want it to be this way." he took his boyfriend's shaking hands in his. "I know I promised you that I wouldn't leave you but if I do, believe that I love you more than anything and I'll always be with you. Always."

A strangled sob tore at Kendall's throat and the blonde boy wrapped his arms around James's waist, hugging him tightly. James's arms wrapped around Kendall's body tightly and just held him, burying his face in his soft blonde hair. "It's gonna be ok Kendall." he choked out through his sobs. "It's gonna be ok."

Kendall didn't reply because he didn't believe James. He didn't believe that it was going to be ok and he had a strange feeling that time wasn't going to heal these wounds that were inflicted upon him.

. . .

__

'Don't cry, I know you're trying your hardest and the hardest part is letting go of the nights we shared'

"Jamie, wake upppppppppp!" Kendall sang, shaking his boyfriend's shoulder, not too roughly but rough enough to get James to roll over and rub his tired eyes. "C'mon Jamie, you've been sleeping the day away, get up."

"I don't wanna." James mumbled, rolling over to bury his face in his pillow.

"Jaaaaameeesssss!" Kendall bounced onto James's bed and laid next to him. "Wake up." Kendall said simply.

"I'm tired." James moaned, snuggling close to Kendall. The blonde instantly wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. "Just let me sleep, please?" he asked.

"But you've slept the entire morning away and most of the afternoon." Kendall pouted.

"I know I just don't have any energy babe."

Kendall's pout turned to a face of worry. "Should I call Logan, or a doctor or something?"

"No, no, no." James said hurriedly. "Please, I just want to lay in bed and rest."

"Are you sure?" Kendall bit his lip. "If you feel sick-"

"I don't feel sick, I'm just tired." James insisted.

"But that's still bad." Kendall said. "Especially since…you've stopped…with your treatments."

James could tell Kendall was struggling to get the words out and James took pity on him. He used what little strength he could muster up to place a sweet kiss on his boyfriend's lips. "It's ok." he whispered, pulling away from the kiss. Kendall's forehead was pressed against James's and tears filled up his green irises. "Whatever happens, it's all going to be ok Kenny."

Kendall sniffled and simply nodded, not wanting to argue with James at this point. "Ok." Kendall whispered.

James laid back in his bed once more, intertwining his fingers with Kendall's. "Would you do me a favor?" he asked softly.

"Anything." Kendall said.

James smiled lightly. "Sing me a song." he requested.

Kendall smiled and James felt his heart sore. God, he loved that smile. "That's what you want?" he asked. James nodded and Kendall gave him a quick peck on the cheek before crossing the room to get his guitar. He took a seat on the edge of the bed and rested his guitar on his knee. "Any requests?" he asked.

James shrugged, the smile never leaving his face. "Surprise me." he said.

Kendall smiled and whispered, "Ok." before strumming a few strings on his guitar. James smiled immediately, recognizing the song. After a few seconds of playing the opening of the song, Kendall began to sing. "This time; this place. Misused, mistakes. Too long, too late. Who was I to make you wait? Just one chance, just one breath. Just in case there's just one left. 'Cause you know, you know, you know."  
The first time Kendall had played this song for him, James cried his eyes out and even after all these times he had played it for him, James could still feel the tears burning at his eyes. He was now convinced that this song would always get to him. Kendall lifted his head up from his fingers, moving skillfully along the neck of his acoustic guitar to smile at James. "I love you." he sang and a single tear tarnished James's cheek. "I have loved you all along. And I miss you, been far away for far too long. I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore."

James's shoulders were shaking slightly and he was biting his lip, his eyes still watery and some tears managing to escape. Kendall ceased playing for a moment to lean forward to place a kiss on James's forehead.

"On my knees, I'll ask." Kendall sang, pulling away from James and resuming playing his guitar. "Last chance for one last dance. 'Cause with you, I'd withstand all of hell to hold your hand. I'd give it all, I'd give for us; give anything but I won't give up. 'Cause you know, you know, you know…

"I wanted, I wanted you to stay 'cause I needed, I need to hear you say that I love you. I have loved you all along. And I forgive you for being away for far too long. So keep breathing 'cause I'm not leaving you anymore. Believe it, hold on to me and, never let me go. Keep breathing 'cause I'm not leaving you anymore. Believe it, hold on to me and, never let me go. Keep breathing 'cause I'm not leaving you anymore. Keep breathing. Hold on to me and, never let me go."  
James complied to the final lyrics of the song by forcing himself up and throwing himself into Kendall's arms. The blonde boy rested his head on James's shoulder, a few tears of his own escaping from his eyes and falling onto his boyfriend's shirt. He could feel James shaking with silent sobs and squeezed him tighter. "I love you baby." he murmured into his ear.

James sniffled and pressed his face into the crook of Kendall's neck. "I love you too." he replied, his voice muffled. After taking a minute to compose himself James pulled away from Kendall and wiped his face with his palm. "Can I-" he sniffed. "Can I ask for one more thing?"

"Sure." Kendall replied, taking James's hands in his, making James's request only harder to choke out.

"I want you… to live a day without me." James whispered.

Kendall rose an eyebrow. "Why would I want to do that?"

"Just… because." James lied and sniffled. "For me?"

Kendall stared at him, a confused expression on his face. "Ok… only for you." he said.

James nodded but didn't smile and wrapped his arms around Kendall one more time. "I love you baby."

"I love you too Jamie." Kendall replied immediately. "I will always love you."

James's chest ached painfully and he gave Kendall one more tight hug. And the fact that it was going to be their last one brought more tears to James's eyes.

****

. . .

Upon James's request Kendall spent the rest of the day living as if James's didn't exist. Of course that didn't stop him from thinking about his boyfriend but after a while- even though he didn't want to admit it- he found it easier to stop thinking about James if he just pretended that he didn't exist. The day went by slowly but Kendall managed to make it until midnight without having any contact with James.

At 12:01 he went back into his bedroom, where James was sleeping soundly. "Hey." he walked over to the bed and sat next to James. "I did what you said; I went the whole day without you. Do I get some sort of reward?" James didn't respond, he just continued laying there. "C'mon sleepy head, wakey-wakey." but James still didn't move and a wave of hysteria washer over Kendall. "Jamie?" he reached for James to roll him over and felt that his skin was ice cold.

"Oh my god," Kendall couldn't breathe; his chest was tightening with every passing moment. "James!" he put a hand on James's chest, desperate to feel his heartbeat.

He didn't. James didn't have a heartbeat.

"No, no, no, no James! Wake up, please!" tears were streaming down Kendall's face as he roughly shook James. The boy's body laid limp in his hands. "You can't die on me James, you just can't!" But James didn't respond, his cold skin grazing Kendall's fingertips as he slumped down onto the mattress.

"**Logan! Carlos!**" he shrieked/sobbed, not caring that he sounded completely hysterical. It only took a few seconds for the two shorter boys to burst into the bedroom.

"What's wrong?" Logan asked breathlessly.

"James!" Kendall sobbed, pointing a shaky finger at the brunette boy laying on the bed. "He won't wake up! Logie you have to do something!"

Logan wasted no time rushing over to James, frantically calling his name and taking his pulse. Carlos gently steered Kendall out of the bedroom, despite the blonde boy's struggles.

"Just calm down Kendall, it's ok." Carlos said through his own tears. Kendall shook his head, a harsh sob tearing at his throat and he slowly slid down the wall and onto the floor. Carlos knelt down next to him and wrapped his arms around Kendall's shaking form, hugging him tightly. A moment later, Logan walked out of the bedroom, tears sliding down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry Kendall." he said, his voice cracking.

Kendall pulled away from Carlos to look at Logan. "No don't say that Logie." he pleaded softly. "You're gonna be a doctor, you have to know what to do!"

"Kendall there isn't anything I can do." Logan said softly, kneeling down to sit next to Kendall. "I'm sorry but it's too late. He's gone."

"No." another strangled sob wracked at Kendall's chest and Logan and Carlos wrapped their arms around him tightly, letting their own tears fall onto Kendall's seizing body. But the fact that there were only two bodies hugging him instead of three, the way it should be, just made him cry harder.

It just reminded him that James was gone and he didn't even get to say goodbye.

"Kendall." Logan pulled away momentarily, wiping his continuously falling down his cheeks. "I found this by the bed. It's for you." he handed Kendall a note card folded in half with Kendall's name scrawled on the outside in James's handwriting. Sniffling, Kendall cautiously took the note card from Logan and opened it up. Inside, James had written him a message. Logan and Carlos looked over to see what James had written for Kendall.

****

'You did it baby, you can do it everyday, I love you'

Kendall squeezed his eyes shut, and pressed the paper against his chest as his body shook with more sobs. That was James's plan all along; to get Kendall to spend the day without him because he knew he was going to die. James knew and he didn't say anything to anybody. Kendall wanted so badly to be mad at him right now but he couldn't even attempt to muster up any anger.

All he felt was heartbreak.

. . .

__

'And this will be the first time in a week that I'll talk to you, and I can't speak. It's been three whole days since I've had sleep'

Kendall tried to hold his composure as he drove to the cemetery, but he already have to pull over twice because he was crying so hard he couldn't see where he was driving; crying so hard he couldn't even breathe.

It had been a little over a week since James's death and Kendall hadn't been to the cemetery to visit him once. But he knew he couldn't avoid it forever. He had to face the music sooner or later.

The ride to the cemetery was a blur and even walking up to James's grave spot was a blur, but before he knew it, he was standing only inches away from where James was buried. He sucked in a deep breath. You can do this, he told himself. His shaky legs carried him the rest of the way until he was kneeling in front of the headstone.

It was beautiful like him. Made of the finest marble, half a circle and complete with a picture of him in the center. Kendall's chest constricted painfully as he read the words in scripted into the stone.

****

Gone But Not Forgotten: James David Diamond

July 16, 1993 - January 28, 2011

Kendall sucked in a deep breath and exhaled shakily. "Hey Jamie." he said. He waved the bouquet of roses lightly in the air. "I brought you flowers." he placed them down delicately on the patch of dirt. "I know it's not much but…" Kendall trailed off and suddenly realized that it was getting increasingly harder to stand. So he eased himself down onto the ground and sat in front of the headstone. "So much for those six months, huh Jamie?" he said bitterly. He bit his lip upon receiving no reply. "You lied." he said. "You said it would be ok, but it's not Jamie. It's not." Kendall wrapped his arms around his torso, tore down the wall he had carefully built up and soon he was sobbing uncontrollably. He couldn't speak anymore, he couldn't even think. All he could process was that he wanted his boyfriend back more than anything in the world. He couldn't support his body and he felt himself drop forward slightly, his head resting on top of the headstone. His tears dripped helplessly onto the dirt below him, wetting the roses as well. There was no denying it; Kendall was a wreck.

It took several minutes to compose himself again but when his frantic sobs had reduced to slight whimpers Kendall sat up straight again and wiped at it eyes. "I'm sorry." he said. "I know you always told me it was ok to cry but still… I'm sorry."

As he expected, he received no reply and he bit back the urge to cry some more.

"I miss you so much James." he said in a broken voice. "I would do anything to have you back with me again." he swallowed thickly. "It's- it's been so hard without you. I feel so helpless, so weak… I fell like giving up more than anything."

As he said that, he knew that he had to let James know the truth. Reluctantly, Kendall pulled up the sleeve of his shirt and grimaced at the ugly scars that stood out against his pale skin. "I've been trying so hard to keep it together Jamie." he whispered, closing his eyes as tears began to slip down his cheeks. "But I can't. I'm weak, pathetic, stupid… I don't know why you loved me. But you did. And I love you, and that gives me strength." Kendall pulled the razor blade, pocket knife, and protractor out of his coat pocket and placed them against James's headstone. "I'm going to stop James." he whispered. "Because I know you've been watching me and I know you're disappointed. I don't want to hurt myself but… it's hard for me to admit that I'm so weak on the inside. But I guess I'm going to have to do that now, aren't I?" Kendall offered a hint of a smile and then sighed. The wind picked up lightly and blew through his hair, brushing his bangs out of his eyes. He stared at James's picture on the headstone, the bright smile that he was so in love with grinning back at him. "I love you James." he said softly. "I'll never stop."

And after he said that, the wind picked up once more, blowing past Kendall's ears as if to whisper, "I know."

__

'Because these words were never easier for me to say or her to second guess. But I guess that I can live without you but without you I'll be miserable at best'

**A/N: so did you all like it? (: I actually cried a lot while writing this lol it was a very emotional ride for me lol. It seems a little rushed to me but I tried lol. Thoughts? **


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